


For the Light to Shine

by notevenyou



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Kid Fic, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 17:44:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8926417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notevenyou/pseuds/notevenyou
Summary: After Theodosia dies, Aaron and Theo move out of the city.





	

After Theodosia dies, Aaron and Theo move out of the city.

They don’t move right away. At first, Aaron tries to keep things normal, but both of them keep expecting to see Theodosia around every corner of the apartment. Maybe he wouldn’t have decided to move if this was the apartment where he and Theodosia had first brought Theo home, where they’d first lived after the wedding, but it isn’t. They’d moved out of that place a few years ago when Theo turned six and started to grow, when she’d started to take up more space, and it became obviously three people, instead of two people and a baby.

When Theodosia had first gotten sick, Aaron had initially kept working, taking days off as needed. When she didn’t get better, he took all the leave he could. By the time the leave ran out, it was clear that she was never going to get better so he’d quit, choosing to live on their savings rather than spend her last few months in the office. So after, after it’s over, Aaron needs to get a new job anyway. It’s when he starts looking for work that he starts seriously thinking of moving. Of moving away from the apartment with its memories, and away from the city that he had only ever known with Theodosia.

Theo is going to be starting high school in the fall, a new school. Why not make a fresh start? Aaron and Theo have a family meeting, just the two of them now, unbalanced like a table trying to balance on two legs where once there’d been three. They talk through the idea carefully, examine all the angles, and decide together.

Ultimately, it doesn’t take Aaron long to find a job at a law firm outside the city. Before Aaron had left his old firm, he’d been moving quickly up the ranks. Before (always before), he’d worked long hours, won many cases, and had an excellent reputation. He’d been a bit of a workaholic, able to rely on Theodosia to pick up the slack at home, and eager to prove himself. His focus is different now, but his past has left him with an impressive resume. The firm he joins is smaller, a step down from where he was, but it doesn’t matter. Now what he wants is a job with reasonable hours that allow him to be there for Theo.

Finding a house takes a bit more effort. Sally insists on driving up to look at the finalists, and she and Theo have a lively debate about each one. Aaron only really cares that they’re all in decent school districts, schools with good teachers, up to date equipment, and a reasonably diverse student body. It takes awhile, but eventually they find a house that satisfies all of them.

Aaron and Theo spend the end of July making the move. The packing, unpacking, painting, and furniture shopping is all as good of a distraction as Aaron hoped. It keeps them focused, and by the time Theo is ready to start high school, they’ve made a good start on transforming the house into something that’s theirs. A new home, filled with choices they’ve made together and not just their ghosts.

Aaron insists on starting his new job a week after Theo starts school, so that he can focus on getting her settled before he has to start worrying about himself. At her old school, she’d drifted away from her friends, who didn’t know how to talk to her in the wake of Theodosia’s death, but here she seems to be making some strides. She’s always been quiet and studious, but she insists that she’s found some fellow “nerds.” She starts dance classes too, and overall seems to be doing pretty well. It gives Aaron hope that maybe he’s made the right choice in uprooting them, for this so-called fresh start.

# 

Before Aaron is really ready he’s having his very own first day. It’s going well enough, he’s been through HR to put his final signature on all the hiring forms and now his new boss, Ruth, is guiding him around the office, introducing him to all his colleagues. She’s friendly and seems kind, she has something good to say about everyone they meet. All of Aaron’s new co-workers seem nice enough too, although remembering all their names is starting to be a challenge. Aaron and Ruth have finally wound their way to the financial law department, Aaron’s new home. Here, he is reintroduced to two people that had been a part of the interview process when he was applying.

Ruth points to one more door down, “That’ll be your office. We’ll get there in a second, just one more person to meet.”

Aaron nods, and waits as she knocks on the door of the office next to his, mind already on getting started for the day. A voice beckons them in. And- the person in the office is Alexander Hamilton. Aaron feels strangely blank for a moment, how did he miss this? What is Alexander doing here of all places?

Ruth is talking, “Alexander joined us not too long ago himself. He was in the city before this too, right?”

She turns to Alexander who nods and reaches for Aaron’s hand, giving it a firm shake, “Yes.” He doesn’t elaborate further, instead saying, “Hello, Aaron. It’s been awhile.”

Aaron pulls his smile back up, and says, “Yes. It’s good to see you.”

Ruth is delighted to find that they already know each other, but it has been a long time since they had any interaction, and Aaron doesn’t really have anything to say to Alexander that he hadn’t said to every other person he met today.

Still, the whole thing throws Aaron off his stride. Later, in his new office, instead of getting settled right away, his first move is to pull up the company website. Alexander is listed right there, a recent picture next to the brief rundown of his credentials. It’s Aaron’s own fault for missing it, and a clear sign of how distracted he’s been.

Aaron studies the picture. Alexander looks much older than last time Aaron saw him, gray at the temples and wearing glasses. In college and later, if he’d worn glasses, he’d been too vain to let anyone catch him in them. It’s not just the glasses though, in the picture, and in their small interaction, Alexander had seemed somehow more still, quiet in a way that Alexander was never quiet when Aaron had known him. In college, even if Alexander wasn’t talking his eyebrows were shouting a thousand things and his frown telegraphing the next argument he was going to launch.

In undergrad, Aaron had done his own share of the arguing. But by the time they’d overlapped at law school, Aaron had met Theodosia and hadn’t had time for the debates. After that he’d run into Alexander less and less, Alexander moving into politics, while Aaron stuck to the law. Aaron’s main knowledge of Alexander came from his appearances in the news. He’d mostly worked behind the scenes, but if you followed local and then state politics with any regularity you knew who he was.

But what had led Alexander here? Aaron had lost touch with most of their mutual college acquaintances, especially in the last two years, but he didn’t remember anything that could explain why rising political star Alexander Hamilton was out here in the suburbs at a small law firm like this. 

Of all Aaron’s old college acquaintances to show up here… Aaron pushes it from his mind, he has a first day to get through, and it’s a fresh start, maybe things will be different between them now.  

#

The first day slides by, and then the first week, and before Aaron knows it, it’s been a month and he has a routine all worked out. He doesn’t solve the mystery of Alexander’s presence, but instead decides that Alexander doesn’t really need solving. Working with Alexander is no more noteworthy than working with the other two lawyers in the department. Aaron’s first impression holds, Alexander seems restrained and quiet. He smiles politely at Aaron every morning, a careful, small expression that Aaron had never seen on his face before. Alexander’s a decent colleague, and doesn’t start debates, or hold forth just to hear his own voice in the way he had in college. Perhaps he’s simply matured, and Aaron doesn’t spend much time wondering about the whys, just relieved not to be sharing a wall with the annoying trouble starter from their college days.

Aaron’s job isn’t thrilling, but he gets finished between five and six nearly every day, he’s a steady presence in Theo’s life, and that’s all he really needs at this point. His co-workers are pleasant enough, the other people in the financial law department are welcoming, and it doesn’t matter if only Alexander can keep up with Aaron when he gets a creative idea about a case. Their cases are hardly the type that need a lot innovation anyway. And if Alexander’s occasional moments of brilliance leave Aaron idly wondering what brought Alexander here, Aaron never gets curious enough to go looking for gossip. Instead, he’s focused on keeping his little family afloat.

When Aaron finally runs into Alexander outside of the office it’s a surprise, although perhaps the more surprising fact is that they’ve never ran into each other before. It’s hardly the biggest town.

Aaron and Theo are at the grocery store. Aaron is buying all the food they actually need for the week, and Theo is stocking up for her latest baking adventure. One of her new friends loves to bake and Theo has picked up her enthusiasm. She has a careful list of all the ingredients she needs, and they are standing in the baking aisle, Aaron listening to her careful explanation of why she needs the more expensive flour. He nods in the right places, letting her make her case in a lawyerly fashion. He doesn’t care about the extra dollar, but she presents a solid argument and he says so. She smiles at him. It’s good to see her smile about something so small, and he gives her a one armed hug. She rolls her eyes, but still smiling, and bounds off to put back the inferior flour.

As Aaron watches her go, he sees Alexander, who has frozen by the cooking oil, watching the two of them with such a strange expression on his face. Aaron isn’t sure how to describe it, pained maybe, wistful possibly. It disappears as soon as Alexander notices Aaron watching him, lost under the placid blankness that Aaron sees everyday at work.

Theo walks back, and turns to see where Aaron is looking. Alexander puts on a polite smile, “Sorry, wool-gathering.”

Aaron nods, still watching him, trying to understand that expression. Aaron makes a stiff introduction, “Theo this is Mr. Hamilton. He works at the office with me. Alexander, my daughter, Theo.” 

Alexander and Theo nod briefly at each other, and then Alexander is moving, pushing the cart forward, “Well, I’ll let you get back to your shopping. Nice to meet you Theo.”

Aaron nods, a gesture lost on Alexander, who is already past them. Theo looks at Aaron curiously, but he just smiles and asks, “What’s next on the list?”

She’s off to the spices, and Aaron follows her, shooting a brief look over his shoulder at where Alexander’s already turned the corner and disappeared, without any cooking oil.

It’s such a small incident, but it lingers in Aaron’s mind. What was that expression? It didn’t seem threatening, but it’s one mystery too many, and so that Sunday Aaron braces himself and calls James Madison.

He and James had kept in touch after college, although it would perhaps be more accurate to say that James kept in touch. James keeps in touch with _everyone_ , he collects gossip like it's his job. Aaron’s never bothered with facebook, he doesn’t need facebook when he has James. However, he’s been avoiding James’s calls ever since Theodosia died, unwilling to have his story added to James’s repertoire. Now, however, his need to know outweighs his desire not to be known.

The call goes just about as Aaron expected. James updates Aaron on his life, and subtly extracts the details of Aaron’s life since they last spoke. Once Aaron has paid his dues, he turns the conversation to where he wants to go, “Actually, one of my new co-workers is someone from our college days. Alexander Hamilton?” 

James lets out a long breath, “Oh, I didn’t realize that’s the firm where he landed.”

Aaron pushes it along, “Last I heard he was in the city, moving up in state politics.”

There’s a pause, “That’s right, I guess- well I guess it was right after Theodosia got sick that it happened.”

“That what happened?” 

James pauses again. It must not be good if James isn’t launching right into what must be a juicy story. Finally he says, “His son died.”

Aaron takes a sharp breath, he doesn’t know what he was expecting, but that wasn’t it, “I didn’t even know he had a son.”

James seems a little more comfortable now that the worst is out, “Oh well, you know he married Eliza Schuyler?” 

Aaron hums an agreement, even though he couldn’t have actually said which of the Schuyler sisters Alexander ended up marrying.

“Well, that was a rough marriage. It was a pretty open secret that he wasn’t faithful, there were all those rumors that he was even sleeping with Angelica.” James seems regretful that later events have made it tasteless to discuss this scandal in full, “Anyway, the thing that kept them together was their son. He was a couple of years older than Theo.”

“Uh huh,” Aaron says, still feeling a bit numb. 

“Well, like I said, about two years ago now, he died. It was an accident of some sort, very sudden. The way I remember it, he and a friend were filming each other doing skateboard tricks or something like that, they weren’t paying attention, and he got hit by a car. Dead before the ambulance even got there.”

James pauses and Aaron obligingly says, “That’s awful.”

Satisfied, James continues, “Well after that, Alexander and Eliza tried to make it work. She wanted out of the city, so they ended up where you are apparently. They tried, but in the end they divorced, and last I heard she was living with Angelica. I guess Alexander stayed. He dropped completely out of politics though, I know that. The party really misses him. He got things done.”

James is himself in politics, if on the other side, so no doubt this is the most personally relevant part of the story for him.

Aaron goes through the rest of the phone call mechanically, promising to keep in touch more often, and laughing at James’s story about some ridiculous thing that happened during the last primary, but half his mind is on Alexander.

After Aaron hangs up, he stares at the wall for awhile trying to process this news, and reviewing the encounter at the grocery store from this perspective. No wonder Aaron thought Alexander looked pained, seeing Aaron there with his own very alive child. Aaron knew how it sometimes struck him to see couples out in the world. Knew how somehow the worst moments were the quiet comfortable glimpses of domestic life.

The next time Aaron sees Alexander at the office, he can’t help but study him. It strikes Aaron that Alexander’s quiet, restrained expression, which Aaron had chalked up to maturity, is actually much the one that Aaron sees in his own mirror. An expression of sadness, distance, maybe numbness. Aaron can’t help but feel a little differently about Alexander in light of this new information, to feel some degree of sympathy. They aren’t in exactly the same situation, Aaron can’t- won’t imagine losing Theo, but he knows intimately what it’s like to have such an important part of your life be so terribly, irrevocably gone. What it’s like to try to keep going even when the whole world seems changed for the worse.

#

Despite this new empathy, Aaron still has very little to do with Alexander aside from staff meetings and polite hallway greetings. And what would he say anyway? Aaron’s current focus is on getting Theo through her second Christmas without her mother. Last Christmas, Theodosia had died only a couple of weeks prior, and there was no hope of an ordinary Christmas. This year they make their best effort, driving down to Sally’s and trying to get lost in the usual flurry of gifts and small family dramas. Sally’s oldest daughter is just married and folding her new husband and his family into the proceedings creates it’s own little theatre. It’s not perfect, but together they make it through.  

At the beginning of the new year, Ruth lands the financial law department some big business. Not a complicated or long case necessarily, but certainly the type of client that would usually go to a bigger firm. While she doesn’t quite say it, apparently she was able to land a case much larger than the firm would normally handle by promising Alexander and Aaron, two big city lawyers, would be on it. And so, Aaron suddenly finds himself working closely with Alexander.

Actually, if Aaron’s being totally honest with himself, it’s sort of nice to work with Alexander, who is as sharp as all of Aaron’s colleagues at his old firm, but without the sense of competition that they had brought to the table, or that Alexander had himself exuded back in their school days. 

Alexander seems pleased as well, and when they finally get to court Alexander is on, sharp and alive in a way that Aaron had worried was dimmed forever. Afterward, when they win - and of course they win with Alexander charming everyone, and Aaron keeping them grounded in the facts - Alexander smiles at Aaron, bright and a bit smug for a moment. Aaron can’t help but smile back. It’s a strange sort of relief to see that Alexander’s edges, his capacity for smugness even, are still in there. In a way, it gives Aaron hope for himself.

Ruth is pleased. It seems to set a precedent for her because Alexander and Aaron start getting more joint cases, and the firm starts to gain some slightly more prestigious clients. Working together regularly, they occasionally disagree, but unlike in college when it had seemed so important, life or death, to win those arguments, now they are usually able to find common ground, or if not, one of them will concede the point in favor of forward momentum. There are bigger things in the world than the intricacies of the law, and while it may be thrilling to debate those intricacies, neither Aaron or Alexander is willing to truly fight over it anymore.

In April, Theo’s school shuts down for take your child to work day. Theo’s not wild about finance law, but she’s supposed to do a report, so she gamely joins Aaron at the office. It’s a bit of a break for Aaron, showing her around and explaining the various types of projects he’s working on, but after lunch he has to get some actual work done. Theo parks herself on one side of the desk with her laptop to start her report, while Aaron works his way through the final details of a case that he and Alexander have coming up in court next week. He’s deep in minutiae when Ruth calls him up to her office to ask about a new case that they’re considering accepting. Theo promises not to wander off, and Aaron leaves her typing away at his desk.

When Aaron comes back, her laptop is closed and she’s in deep conversation with Alexander, who is sitting across the desk from her in Aaron’s stolen chair. 

“Hello,” Aaron says, raising an eyebrow at Alexander, who just smiles back guilelessly.

“I just stopped by to ask you a question about the Oswald case, but you had been replaced by the better Burr.”

Aaron rolls his eyes, and looks at Theo. She smirks, “He was just telling me all about the great sociology group presentation.” 

Great, embarrassing college stories. “Did he tell you that it was at least forty percent his fault?”

She laughs, “He said something about that.”

“Good to know.” Aaron shakes his head at Alexander who looks pleased with himself. With another pointedly raised eyebrow Aaron manages to oust him from the chair and reclaim his half of the desk.

#

Later, over dinner, Theo says, “Mr. Hamilton seems nice.”

Aaron isn’t sure what to say, “He’s a good lawyer.”

Theo looks unimpressed, “You’ve known him a long time.” 

“Yes, I suppose so. We were never very close though.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment, focused on her dinner. Then, “He didn’t know about mom. Was it a secret?”

Aaron isn’t exactly surprised, but he does feel guilty. He knows Alexander’s story, but apparently is a closed book to Alexander, and now he’s made his daughter break the news. “Well, we mostly talk about work.”

She’s watching him, her gaze neutral, but he wonders what she sees, “Is he married?”

Aaron puts down his fork carefully, “No, he’s divorced. He had a son a couple of years older than you, who died in an accident a few years ago. After that, he and his wife separated.”

She looks thoughtful, but steady, “That’s sad.”

“Yes.”

She turns back to her food, “Well, he seemed nice to me.”

That is apparently that.

#

It’s later the next week that Alexander brings up his run-in with Theo, however obliquely. Aaron and Alexander are working on a case. They’re deep in some research that most likely the paralegals should be doing, but it’s not a big company. It’s tedious stuff, combing through documents, and they’ve been at it awhile. By mutual silent agreement they are taking a break at the moment. They aren’t really talking, just enjoying the novelty of not squinting at pages of tiny numbers, but after a minute Alexander says, “I’m sorry about your wife.”

Aaron looks up, surprised to see Alexander’s eyes are fixed on the wedding ring that Aaron hasn’t been able to make himself stop wearing. Instinctively Aaron runs his thumb over the band, whether to hide it from view, or to reassure himself of its presence he’s not quite sure. He clears his throat and responds, “I’m sorry about your son.”

Now Alexander is the one to look up sharply, but then something relaxes in his expression. Perhaps he was worried that he would have to share the story with Aaron, Aaron knows only too well the awkwardness of telling that kind of news. Alexander doesn’t say anything else, just nods slightly and turns back to the pages, leaving Aaron to do the same.

That brief interaction continues to weigh on Aaron’s mind. Not because of what Alexander said, but his noticing of Aaron’s wedding ring makes Aaron more aware of it. No one else acknowledges it, not even Sally. Which, now that Aaron is thinking about it, is a minor miracle. But now that Aaron’s attention has been brought to the issue he can’t help thinking that it’s been nearly a year and a half since Theodosia died. Should he stop wearing the ring?

The idea becomes the topic of Aaron’s next therapy session, and something he muses on in his free moments. He tries taking it off a couple of times, just for a few minutes. To see what his hand looks like without it. To see what it feels like. Its absence makes him feel vulnerable, exposed, as if the ring is something bigger. As if the ring is a shield against the world. He slips it back on every time, unwilling to take that step. 

But then, finally one day, Aaron takes off the ring and leaves it off. It’s no special day, there’s no grand shift, he just gets up one Tuesday and takes it off. He places it carefully in the jewelry box that contains Theodosia’s other rings, and an assortment of bracelets. He slides the box back into the drawer where he’s been keeping it for Theo, and gets dressed. If his hands shake just a little when he knots his tie, only he has to know that.

The whole day he feels like everyone can see it, that everyone will notice. In fact, as far as he can tell, only two people do. Alexander, whose eyes dip briefly to his hand while they exchange pleasantries by the coffee maker, but who doesn’t say anything or even react in any way that Aaron can interpret, and Theo who notices while Aaron is in the midst of making dinner. She pauses in her explanation of why the latest physics assignment is wonderful and stares for a minute at his bare hand, expressionless, but intent. He watches her, worried. She seems to come to some conclusion, but doesn’t say anything, just blinks back a few tears and smiles at him. He moves the food off the heat and pulls her into a tight hug, marveling as always at how tall she’s gotten. She hugs him in return, and then after a moment steps back, finding her place in her story as if nothing happened.

After that, the initial the feeling of wrongness gradually fades, and Aaron slowly grows used being without the ring again.

#

In early June, Ruth manages to land a new prestigious case for Alexander and Aaron. Unfortunately, it’s due to a last minute change of representation, and Alexander and Aaron are left scrambling, trying to get caught up in time for the preliminary hearing. Their smaller cases get largely shunted to the other members of the department, while they try to catch up. Even so, it becomes apparent the first Friday after they’ve taken on the case that they’re going to need to put in extra hours. At five Aaron’s ruefully examining the stack of papers that they planned to get through this week. Perhaps alerted by the sudden absence of paper shuffling, or perhaps just aware of the time, Alexander sets down the folder he was looking through with a sigh. He takes off his glasses to scrub at his face, “God, okay. You go home to Theo, I’ll stay and get this done.”

Aaron considers this. It seems likely that, left alone with the current stack of folders, Alexander will be here well into the night, and perhaps the next day as well. Aaron shakes his head, “No, that’s not fair.” He’s can’t disappear back into work though, it can’t be- _he_ can’t be like he was before, “Why don’t we gather this up, and we can work from my house. We’ll order something to eat.”  

Alexander goes still, “Are you sure?”

Aaron suddenly _isn’t_ sure. What if it’s too difficult for Alexander to be around Theo, does she remind him of what he’s lost? “I mean, if it’s okay with you. If not we can figure something else out.”

Alexander looks down at the stack of files in front of him and shuffles them to one side, “No. No, that’s fine. Just uh, I guess I’ll need your address.”

Aaron gives it to him, and they spend twenty minutes figuring out which files they’ll need, and loading them into their cars. Aaron texts Theo to let her know that he’s bringing Alexander home, although she’s probably still in the middle of dance practice. He swings by to pick her up, leaving Alexander to organize the files they’ve already worked on today. Theo seems unaffected by the idea of Aaron bringing work home, saying it’s fine as long as he’s home. She claims she has homework to get out of the way anyway.  

When they get to the house, Alexander isn’t there yet. Between Aaron and Theo they drag the mix of files, school books, and dance equipment back into the house and start to debate dinner options, pending Alexander’s preferences. When Alexander does show up, looking cautious with a stack of files in his arms, he turns out be very agreeable, so Theo’s favorite Chinese place wins the debate.

They all get themselves organized until dinner, Aaron and Alexander figuring out their plan of attack on the files, and Theo starting her math homework.

Dinner itself is interesting. Theo and Aaron have found their conversational stride since Theodosia died, but in many ways they are alike, both more likely to observe than drive a conversation, avoiding confrontation, and this likeness led to some pretty silent dinners at first. Theodosia had always been starting debates, telling her own stories, and drawing funny anecdotes out of the two of them. By the end of the dinner Alexander has slotted into that role. Watching him with Theo, Aaron can see why she said he was nice. He _is_ nice to her, seemingly genuinely interested in her thoughts, asking follow-up questions, and affording her the respect of an adult of equal intelligence. It’s an echo of the old Alexander in a way, the guy from college who was ready to debate anyone. This Alexander is not as sharp though, more willing to accept another’s perspective than young Alexander ever managed.

After dinner, Aaron and Alexander get to work, losing themselves in building their case, stopping only for a snack break. Alexander happily eats Theo’s latest baking adventure, offering enthusiastic compliments. Theo works on the other side of the table companionably until she wanders off to catch up on Netflix and sleep.

Aaron and Alexander persevere for another hour or so after that, until they’re both too tired to keep going. There’s still a bit of work left, but Aaron agrees to let Alexander handle it tomorrow, with the promise that Alexander will call if any surprises show up. As Aaron helps Alexander load the boxes in his car, enjoying the cool breeze blowing through the darkness, he can’t help but ask, “Was that okay? I didn’t know if being around Theo would be…” He trails off unsure how to finish.

Alexander gives the stack of files one last adjustment before standing up to face Aaron, “It’s fine.” He glances down the dark street, although what he could be seeing Aaron can’t say, “They’re very different, you know.”

Aaron shakes his head, because of course he never knew Alexander’s son.

Alexander laughs a little, “Well, Theo, she reminds me of you. She’s got this confidence at her center, she doesn’t need someone else to validate her. She knows who she is, what she’s worth.” He darts a quick look at Aaron, and then goes back to studying the dark of the street.

Aaron doesn’t say anything, not clear what he could say. He’s not sure he would have described himself like that, although he can see how it applies to Theo, and he certainly didn’t expect Alexander to come up with that assessment.  

Alexander goes on, “Philip,” Aaron starts a little internally, because he realizes he hadn’t even known Alexander’s son’s name, “Philip was maybe like me, he was always trying to prove himself to me, to people he just met, to strangers. He was amazing, and people loved him, _I_ loved him, but they’re very different. So. It didn’t bother me.”  

He seems to mean it, so Aaron just nods, “Okay. I’m glad it worked out.”

Alexander finally looks back at Aaron, “It was nice. Thanks for having me, and for all your work on this.” He gestures to the box of files, and then shuts the car door, preparing to leave.

Aaron steps out of his way, “No problem. Call me if there’s anything that needs another perspective.”

#

The case drags on, becoming more complicated, and Aaron invites Alexander over for a few more dinner sessions, and even a couple of Saturdays. Theo doesn’t seem to mind, she enjoys the lively conversation that Alexander brings, and Aaron can’t say he minds either. Alexander outside of work is brighter, more lively and interesting in a way that makes the job go faster. The dinners that accompany these work sessions slowly get longer, and Aaron finds himself fondly watching Alexander and Theo debate issues of baking, politics, and film. Alexander’s expression whenever Theo bests him, a mixture of miffed and proud, always makes Aaron laugh, which only makes Alexander look somehow more of both. By the time the case wraps in October, Aaron is willing to admit that he’s going to miss these nights.

#

As expected, once the case wraps, Aaron doesn’t see as much of Alexander, they don’t have any other cases requiring overtime. This balanced work schedule is exactly the reason Aaron is working at this firm, but somehow he feels like he’s missing something. He and Alexander work together at the office, but it’s different, no space for talking about things other than work and mild pleasantries. However, the week after Thanksgiving, these mild pleasantries lead Aaron into a situation of sorts, “Did you have a good Thanksgiving?” he asks, taking a break from sorting through a stack of financial records.

Alexander had been taking a break too, but suddenly seems to find one page out of place, “Oh sure, you?”

Aaron is filled with the suspicion that he’s being lied to in some way. He watches Alexander closely as he answers, “Yes, Theo and I went over to Sally’s. Her husband makes a great turkey.”

Alexander smiles, seemingly genuine again, “Sounds good.”

Still watching him, Aaron asks, “What did you do?”

Alexander’s bright smile falters and then returns, but now seeming faked, “Oh, not much. Just relaxed.”

“Just you?” Aaron asks, gently. 

The smile disappears entirely, “It was fine. You don’t have to look at me like that.”

Aaron raises his hands placatingly, “I wasn’t.”

Alexander shakes his head, unconvinced, “Normally I go to Gilbert’s or Hercules’s place, they just happened to be out of town.”

“Is that where you’ll go for Christmas?”

Alexander looks a bit trapped, “Normally,” he says slowly. 

“But?” Aaron asks.

Alexander looks skyward as if being forced to admit something under duress, “Gilbert is going to be in France through the new year, and Hercules is going to the in-laws.”

“Oh,” Aaron says, turning back to his papers. He moves one sheet from the front of the stack to the back, with no real purpose, and then darts a glance at Alexander, who is watching him warily. Aaron shifts his attention back to the papers, moving two more sheets, and then glances up again. Alexander has relaxed and turned back to his work, as if he’s passed through some sort of danger and come out the other side. This is probably the opposite of what Alexander wants, but, “You could come with me and Theo to Sally’s.”

Alexander looks tense again, hands tight around his pen, “I couldn’t impose.”

“It’s hardly imposing if I ask you.”

“Ah, but without asking your sister if she wants a stranger crashing her Christmas, or asking Theo if she minds me taking up family time?”

Aaron is sure neither of them will mind, “They’ll be fine with it.”

Alexander just shakes his head and turns back to his work.

Aaron watches him, “Okay, what if I ask them, and then I ask you again?”

Alexander doesn’t look up, “You do that, and when they don’t want me to come, we don’t need to talk about it again. I’m a grown man, I’ll be perfectly fine on my own.”

Aaron doesn’t think age is the point, but, instead of arguing, he just turns back to his own work.

# 

He talks to Sally first.

“This is the guy you hated in college, right?”

“Yes, I suppose,” he concedes.

“But now you’re best buddies? Or…”

She trails off, leaving him to interrupt, “Look, we work together, Theo likes him, he’s different, I’m different, and he doesn’t have a place to go. What do you think?”

“I can’t wait to meet him,” she says sweetly. 

He sighs, “Great, I’ll let him know. A real incentive.” 

“It should be.”

#

Next he talks to Theo, “Oh, of course,” she says, “Aunt Sally will love him.” 

Aaron says nothing to that, “Okay, I’ll ask him.”

Theo smiles at him, a bittersweet expression that Aaron can’t quite place, but attributes to the general difficulty of Christmastime for them. As he stands to take his dishes to the sink, he stops by her chair and squeezes her shoulder gently. Her smile clears into something a little brighter, and she turns to gathering up her own plate and silverware. 

#

The next day, over another stack of file folders and a working lunch, Aaron says, “So, Sally and Theo are both thrilled to have you come for Christmas.” 

Alexander looks up, obviously surprised, “Really,” he says, flatly.

Aaron raises an eyebrow, “Yes. Really.”

Alexander looks down at the disgusting protein shake he has everyday, “I, uh- Okay.”

“You’re sure?”

Alexander looks up, his expression has softened into something that might be pleased, “Yes Aaron, I’m sure. Thank you.”

Aaron smiles at him, “Okay.”

#

They drive to Sally’s together. It’s an almost four hour drive, and there’s no real point in taking two cars for three people. Theo takes being relegated to the backseat with good grace, helped by the fact that Alexander spends most of the ride twisted around so they can talk. When they start to run out of new subjects to discuss and old debates to reignite, Theo teaches him a traveling game, and they spend the rest of the trip playing variations on twenty questions. Alexander is of course good at it, sharp at guessing and devious at coming up with unguessable answers. He’s laughing at stumping Theo and Aaron yet again, when Aaron pulls off the highway. It’s Alexander’s turn since he won the round, but he goes quiet, looking out the window.

“About fifteen more minutes,” Aaron announces.

Theo, sensing the shift in mood, leaves the game behind and instead says, “Don’t worry, you’ll probably like everyone well enough.” She launches into an explanation of who is likely to be there, and what she considers the pertinent facts about them.

Alexander leans back to listen, nodding here and there, even though it seems unlikely that anyone could keep track of the torrent of information and asides that Theo is providing. 

When they pull into the driveway, Theo quickly grabs the cake she made and goes in, excited to see Sally. They’re a little early, cautious trip-planning on Aaron’s part, and as far as he can see they’re the only ones here so far. Alexander lingers, helping Aaron with the bags of gifts.

“Don’t worry, most of them don’t bite, I’ll warn for the ones that do,” Aaron assures him.  

Alexander smiles a bit wryly, “Thanks.”

Inside Theo has disappeared into the kitchen where her uncle is no doubt overseeing the cooking. Sally is many things, but a better cook than Tapping is not one of them. She steps into the hall, still holding Theo’s coat, “Hello!” She hugs Aaron, and then, “You must be Alexander, welcome.”

She goes for another hug, and Alexander, looking slightly bemused, hugs her back. Aaron carefully peels one of the bags of gifts out of Alexander’s hand, preventing a tangle of bag and coat, and sets it on the floor next to the others.

Alexander produces a bottle of wine, and Sally thanks him with appropriately hostess-like enthusiasm. Then Aaron and Alexander manage to get out of their coats, and arrange the presents under the tree.

Aaron was right about the crowd, so far it’s just them and Jessie, Sally’s younger daughter, home from college for the break. Sally bustles around, getting them something to drink, while Aaron introduces Alexander and Jessie. Alexander does a good job making conversation with Jessie, asking her about her major, her plans, and her favorite classes, but soon after Sally is settled she says, “But Alexander, I want to hear about you.”

Aaron is worried about this turn of conversation, but Jessie wants to him to weigh in on which of two classes she should take next semester if she’s thinking about law school, so he can’t monitor the interaction. After he’s heard the facts and offered Jessie his reasoned opinion, he turns back to Sally and Alexander. Perhaps he should have been paying attention, because although he’s relieved to see Alexander looking relaxed, he’s less sanguine about Sally saying, “You know what we should do before everyone else gets here? Embarrassing childhood photos of Aaron.”

Theo who is just emerging from the kitchen, where she’s no doubt been observing and sampling all the food in progress, giggles.

Sally smiles at her, but says, “Don’t get too smug, I have plenty of you too.”

Alexander looks delighted by this turn of events, and Aaron supposes he should just be grateful that this is a pre-gathering activity, instead of the plan for the main event. Sally pulls two photo albums off a bookshelf, and settles herself on the couch next to Alexander. Aaron is seated on his other side, but in a chair just far enough that he can’t quite see what they’re looking at without being obvious about it. He tries to affect an exasperated, and yet also unbothered expression, foiled slightly by the way Sally makes sure to lift the albums up and point out any pictures she finds particularly hilarious.

This goes on for awhile, through the photos from their childhood, which Aaron really can’t feel too fussed about. He was a kid and everyone looks awkward in out of date fashion. The pictures thin out as they grow older. After their parents died the only one taking photos was Sally.

Alexander seems ready to be gently amused by the photos, asking light questions. In one of the later ones, deep in the second album, he points to a picture, “And who’s that?” 

Sally pauses, darting a glance at Aaron for some reason. He leans over to look. Oh. It’s a picture of him and Jon, leaning into each other in a way that’s obviously a bit more than friends. It’s one of the ones that Sally took obviously. Jessie has also leaned over to look, “That’s Jon, Uncle Aaron’s high school boyfriend. He was pretty cute, wasn’t he?”

Alexander shoots a startled glance at Aaron, which Aaron really isn’t sure why. Had Alexander somehow missed that Aaron was bisexual back in college? It couldn’t be that Alexander is homophobic, no one who had been to school with him could have missed that he dated pretty much anyone.

Alexander manages to keep his reaction to that one startled look, turning back and assessing the picture, “Pretty cute,” he agrees.

Sally is watching all this with slightly raised eyebrows and for her own inexplicably Sally reasons she asks, “And is he still cute, Aaron?”

Aaron raises an eyebrow right back, “Last I saw he was aging into more of a handsome mode, but sure. You’d have to ask his husband for the final word on that, though.” 

Sally just laughs, and turns back to the pictures, but then Tapping calls her into the kitchen to consult on a potato issue. Jessie and Theo have disappeared somewhere, so it’s just Alexander and Aaron and the pictures.

Alexander flips backwards in the book, landing a few pages after that first picture of Jon. Aaron leans over to see what he’s looking at. It’s a picture from Sally’s old apartment, the one she had in college. It’s actually of one of Sally’s friends, who’s performing a goofy dance for the camera, but in the background you can see Aaron and Jon on the couch. Jon’s head is resting in Aaron’s lap, and their hands are tangled together on Jon’s chest. Jon is watching Aaron with a soft smile while Aaron is explaining something, his other hand gesturing to emphasize whatever his point is. It’s a sweet moment and a nice memory, captured there on film.

Alexander seems stuck on it, and Aaron is taking a breath to ask why it seems to bother him, when Alexander says, “I really thought you were straight.”

Aaron laughs a little, “Really?” Alexander doesn’t say anything, and Aaron muses, “I guess I met you the year after I broke up with Jon, so it didn’t really come up.” He’d dated a bit in college, but mostly women, and nothing serious enough to bring to the attention of the annoying guy with all the opinions. Alexander still hasn’t said anything, so Aaron adds with another small laugh, “I can’t believe James didn’t tell you.”

Alexander looks thoughtful at that, and finally responds, “I suppose he did say something once, but I thought he was joking.”

Before Aaron can ask what that means, the front door is opening and Tapping’s brother and his family are pouring in with a burst of noise. Aaron briefly loses track of Alexander, but when he finds him again, Theo is introducing him to her cousins, the photo albums safely back on the shelf.

#

It quickly turns into a bit of a zoo. Amelia, Sally’s older daughter, and her husband show up soon after. Last year they were newlyweds, and this year they are new parents, with a tiny son. The baby is only just three months, and adorable, but creates a lot of upheaval in a family that has gotten used to only having older children around. Dinner has all the coordination of a small riot, and Aaron sticks close to Alexander, trying to shield him from the flurry. Somehow Aaron can’t imagine Schuyler family events looking anything like this barely controlled chaos. 

Alexander does well all the way through the gift unwrapping that comes after dinner. He gives Sally and Tapping a collection of chocolates, Theo a couple of books that she seems thrilled with, and Aaron a tie. It makes Aaron feel better about his own gift, which is both a desk organizer and a subtle hint. Alexander laughs, taking it well.

Most of the attention is on the children, as is usual at these things. Alexander seems delighted by Theo’s reactions to her gifts, but after, when the drifts of paper have been gathered up for recycling, Aaron catches him watching Amelia and her husband cooing over their son. They make a charming family unit that sends a twinge through Aaron’s heart, and judging by the look on Alexander’s face it’s painful for him as well. Aaron wants to take that look away. He nudges Alexander softly on the shoulder, “Hey, want to go for a little walk, help burn off some of that dinner before dessert?” 

It’s an excuse, and Aaron can tell that Alexander knows it’s an excuse, but he nods gratefully. Aaron informs Sally, and they quietly slip outside.

Out there, it’s really much too cold for either of them, and in the end they don’t do much more than walk up the block and back down. They don’t talk, enjoying the silence, until they’re almost back to the house and Alexander says, “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Aaron says.

Alexander huffs out a sigh, which is a visible cloud in the cold air, “Most of the time I’m fine, you know? But sometimes you just can’t help but remember.”

“I know,” Aaron says, simply.

They’ve reached the porch, but Alexander doesn’t seem ready to go in just yet. He hesitates there, “Can we- or why don’t you go back. I’ll go back in a minute.”

“Nah,” Aaron says, moving past him to brush some snow off the railing so he can lean his back against it, resolutely ignoring the cold, “It’s lovely out here.”

Alexander gives him a small smile and settles in next him against the railing.

They stay just like that for awhile, quiet. Alexander’s arm is resting against Aaron’s and even through the thick layers of their coats Aaron can feel just how tense he still is. After a bit Alexander says, “I’m sorry, it really is nice to be here. I don’t mean to be-” 

Aaron interrupts him, “You don’t need to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?” 

Alexander lets out a slightly shaky breath, “Uh, no.”

Aaron nods, “Okay, tell me if this the wrong move,” and then slowly, so that Alexander can stop him easily, pulls him into a hug.

At first it’s a one armed thing, as casual as a hug can be, but Alexander lets out another slow breath, this time slightly more steady, and turns into Aaron. Aaron goes with it, bringing up his other arm and turning it into a real hug, a tight hug. He started this for Alexander, but the solid weight of Alexander against him is comforting in a way that he hadn’t expected it to be, and for a brief moment he loses himself in it.

Aaron is abruptly brought back to reality when he hears someone coming up the stairs and opens his eyes to see his aunt and uncle, looking old and frail, but just as judgmental as ever. They are staring at him as if they’ve seen something deeply unpleasant, and Aaron tenses instinctively. Alexander feels it and turns around, still in Aaron’s arms. Even when Aaron lets go, Alexander stays in between Aaron and the new arrivals. This, despite the fact that he clearly has no idea who they are. Aaron finds this protective gesture somehow touching. He places a hand on Alexander’s shoulder, trying to telegraph that he doesn’t need a bodyguard, and Uncle Timothy’s eyes follow the gesture. His look of disgust becomes more prominent and Aaron abruptly realizes that they think he and Alexander are _together._ Aaron could correct the assumption, but instead he leaves his hand on Alexander’s shoulder and raises his chin defiantly, feeling all of eighteen again.

Uncle Timothy sighs, “Really Aaron, this unpleasantness was one thing when you were young, but you have a child to think of now.”

Aaron feels Alexander tense a bit, but he doesn’t move away from Aaron or try to correct the assumption, and Aaron feels absurdly grateful for that. Aaron answers, “Fortunately it isn’t any of your business, is it?”

Uncle Timothy shakes his head. His expression is a pious mixture of disgust and disappointment, but he lets Aunt Rhoda, who looks just as unhappy, pull him into the house.

Once they’re inside, Aaron carefully removes his hand from Alexander’s shoulder and turns back to stare out at the street, “Fuck.”

Alexander hesitantly reaches up and rubs a soothing hand along Aaron’s shoulders, retreating nervously after only a moment. 

Aaron takes a deep breath, and turns to him, “I’m sorry to drag you into that. I’ll clear things up. I just hate explaining anything to them.”

Alexander still looks a bit lost, but says, “It’s fine, I don’t care. Who were they?” 

Aaron looks back at the street, “My aunt and uncle. They took me and Sally in when our parents died. Very religious types. Not a good time. I moved out as soon as I turned eighteen. I had a scholarship and I wasn’t going to stay there and pretend to fit in with them anymore.” He rubs absently at his left cheek. Somehow in this moment, years removed, he can still feel the bruise that his uncle had left when Aaron had announced he was moving out, and oh by the way he had a boyfriend.

Alexander is watching him with something like understanding on his face, and Aaron quickly drops his hand, “I don’t know why Sally lets them come here.” He’s slowly regaining his focus “Shit, I should get in there, I don’t like leaving Theo alone with them. Are you okay?”

Alexander smiles, “Nothing like other people’s problems to distract you from your own.”

Aaron musters a return smile and hurries back inside. Aaron has always been very honest about his feeling about his aunt and uncle and subsequently Theo doesn’t like them either. She is carefully avoiding them, hiding in a corner of the room with Jessie, who is no more a fan. Aaron situates himself next to Theo, who leans into him, drawing him pointedly into the conversation that she and Jessie are having, and completely ignoring the greetings happening on the other side of the room. Alexander comes in not far behind Aaron, and after assessing the situation, settles in on the other side of Jessie, earning him a grateful look from her.

Their small group remain stubbornly uninvolved in the goings on of the room all throughout his uncle and aunt’s short visit. Timothy and Rhoda leave without getting the chance to talk to Theo or Jessie, but not without the chance to make some pointed comments about their church activities. Aaron mostly misses these, caught up in some ridiculous story that Alexander is telling. 

After that, things go more or less smoothly. Theo’s dessert is a smash, and as they gather up their coats and gifts to go, Sally only briefly asks why Aunt Rhoda had thought Alexander was Aaron’s boyfriend. Aaron plays dumb, and Sally just says, “You could do worse.” 

The trip home is quiet. Theo falls asleep in the first hour, and Aaron and Alexander make soft conversation. Aaron tries again to thank him for going along with the story, but Alexander just brushes it off, “I enjoy pissing off homophobes. It’s a hobby.”

#

Christmas and its assorted dramas seem to have changed something between Alexander and Aaron. They’ve shifted from colleagues with a shared past, and a shared understanding of tragedy, to something a little more like friends. At the beginning of almost every day at work they fall into the habit of a brief chat. At night, before Aaron leaves, he nearly almost always stops by Alexander’s door for a goodbye that sometimes spirals into something more than brief.

One morning, he’s in the middle of reporting Theo’s latest cooking adventure, when he notices that Alexander seems distracted. Aaron stops in the middle of the story, trying to figure it out, “Is something wrong?” 

Alexander looks up from where his gaze had been fixed well below Aaron’s eyes, “No! Um. What?”

Aaron tilts his head, questioningly, “You seem distracted?”

Alexander...blushes? He’s definitely redder, “It’s nothing, I just didn’t think you’d wear it.”

“Wear- Oh, the tie?” Aaron smoothes the tie Alexander gave him for Christmas, puzzled by this, “Was I not supposed to? It’s nice.”

Alexander smiles, “Of course. I don’t know, I think I just need more coffee.”

Aaron lets it go, but he can’t help but notice that Alexander’s gaze drifts down to the tie several more times over the course of the day, even if he’s not quite sure what to make of that.

# 

When Theo turns sixteen in February, they have a big party for family and friends and it only makes sense to include Alexander. Alexander already knows Sally and her family, and he seems to fit in a way that Aaron never could have imagined twenty years ago, or even one year ago. He charms the adults and teens alike, and after all the dinners he’s spent at the house it’s nice to have another adult around who knows where all the dishes are kept, and where the extra napkins are hidden. 

Sally and Tapping elect to stay the night rather than drive all the way home. After the party, when all the teens are cleared out, Theo is in her room sorting through her loot, and Tapping has fallen asleep in the guest room, Sally and Aaron sit up in the living room, sleepily finishing off a bottle of wine that was mostly depleted. Conversation has lapsed and they are sitting in a comfortably tired daze, when Sally says, “You really aren’t dating him?”

Aaron looks over in surprise. She’s watching him with an expression too sharp for this late and this much wine, “Who, Alexander?”

She rolls her eyes, “Yes, Alexander.”

He makes a scoffing noise, “I’m not dating Alexander.”

She seems to accept that, but then in another minute she asks quietly, “Do you ever think about dating again?”

He takes a sip of wine, delaying his answer, but,  “No. Not really.”

She doesn’t push, just nods, “Okay.”

“Just...not yet. I can’t- not yet.” 

She nods again, “Well, it’s good to have friends.”

He lets out a small sigh, glad that she’s letting this go, “Yeah.”

They return to silently contemplating nothing in particular.

#

It _is_ good to have a friend though. Aaron feels somehow lighter for his regular little conversations with Alexander, even when they’re about nothing in particular. There’s the background knowledge too, that if Aaron did need to talk about something heavier Alexander might understand. And Alexander also seems a bit lighter. He’s not the untamed fire he was in college, but neither is he the dimmed, carefully polite person he was when Aaron first moved here. The first time Ruth catches them laughing at some joke Alexander has told, her face is so shocked that Aaron is sure for a second that they’ve somehow upset her, or broken some rule of office decorum. But, instead of offering censure, her expression clears into what appears to be a genuine smile. 

In March, Aaron gets asked to consult on a case upstate, which involves an overnight stay. He’s not particularly pleased about it, but it’s the first time it’s happened since he joined the firm so he goes without complaint, getting Theo to arrange a night over at one of her friends. He regrets his easy compliance when he tries to fly home only to be trapped for another night by a late season blizzard. It’s not that Theo won’t be fine on her own for one night, or that he can’t get a hotel at the airport, but Theo has a dance recital that evening. She’s been practicing for months, and he wasn’t going to do this anymore. When he calls her to break the news she’s understanding, but he can tell that she’s not happy.  

The hotel room is cold, and after he finishes the call he goes over to the window, still wearing his coat, and turns on the heat. It comes on with a loud rush of air and the scent of burning dust. He stands in the warm air it’s blowing, looking out the window. The world outside is dark already despite the fact that it’s not even four, dark under the clouds and the heavy drifts of snow that are still falling making it difficult to see much. He can feel the cold of it radiating out from the glass to his face, contrasting with the warm air blowing up from the vents.

The murky view doesn’t give him any particular answers, but after a moment, when he’s stopped shivering, he comes to a decision. He takes off his coat and calls Alexander. If Aaron can’t be there, than at least he can try to get someone she likes to go for him.

Alexander picks up sounding worried, “Aaron, aren’t you supposed to be on a plane?”

“I am, but instead I’m snowed in.”

Alexander lets out a sigh halfway between relieved and sympathetic, “Sounds fun. Does Theo need anything?”

Aaron hadn’t been quite sure about making this call, are they really close enough for this type of favor? However, Alexander’s first thought is for Theo and that makes it seem like the right choice, “Actually, I was wondering if you were able to go to her dance recital tonight. She doesn’t need any help, she’s got a ride there and back, but it’s just she’s been practicing for so long...”

“Oh, of course,” Alexander says quickly. “Don’t worry, I’ll be her biggest fan. Well, second biggest, after you.”

Aaron feels a rush of relief, “Thank you. I’m sorry to draft you at the last minute.” 

Alexander makes a dismissive noise, “Hey, no worries. I’m sorry that you can’t be there.”

They talk about the case, and exchange the stories of their days, Alexander updating Aaron on the goings on at the office, and Aaron relating the amusing reactions of his fellow travelers to their predicament.

After he thanks Alexander again and they hang up, Aaron tries to settle in. He flips idly through the television stations, and orders food when he gets hungry. He can’t seem to quite relax though. The sheets feel scratchy, the room is now too hot, and there’s nothing worth watching on the television. And most of all he’s painfully aware of the clock ticking away, until it’s time for the recital.

Just as it’s supposed to begin, his phone buzzes with a picture from Alexander of the curtains opening. Aaron texts back another thank you, charmed, and so begins the start of Alexander’s narration of the event, a mixture of commentary and pictures. It’s not quite like being there, but it still makes Aaron smile, especially at the end when Alexander sends a picture of Theo grinning at the camera, holding a big bouquet of flowers that he must have brought her. Aaron asks Alexander to tell her that Aaron loves her. He’s in the middle of composing a separate email for her to read later, saying how proud he is, when a final text comes through. It’s another picture, although this time he can tell that Theo has commandeered the phone. It’s a selfie of her with Alexander, both of them smiling at the camera. Aaron smiles back at the picture, awash in a feeling of happiness and contentment that he can’t quite explain. Without thinking too closely about why, he saves that last photo to his phone.

That night he struggles to fall asleep. It’s so quiet, the whole outside world under a hush of snow and inside, although the hotel is full of displaced travelers, it seems silent except for the intermittent huff of the heater.

He’s opening the front door. He hangs his coat up in the closet, but leaves his small suitcase by the door. He can deal with it tomorrow. The house is quiet. It’s just about bedtime. Upstairs he sees the light is still on in Theo’s room. When he taps the door she opens it with an enthusiastic smile. He sweeps her into a hug and tells her again how proud he is of her performance. She gives him the highlights of her days since he’s been gone. Her words are a rush like she’s been saving it all up for his return, but eventually her yawns start to interrupt the stories. He suggests they pick this up tomorrow. She sleepily agrees, smiling up at him when he drops a goodnight kiss in her hair.

In his bedroom he changes into pajamas, slowly trying to stretch out the muscles stiffened by travel. He slides under the covers. Alexander is asleep on his side, but the gentle jostle of Aaron getting into bed rouses him and he twists to face Aaron, looking sleepy, but happy, “You’re back.”

Aaron leans in for a kiss, a soft greeting.

“Mm,” says Alexander, turning all the way over to face Aaron, “You’re cold.”

Aaron gratefully takes him up on the implied offer, sliding against him, and burying his face in the crook of Alexander’s neck. It’s part hug, and part seeking heat.

Alexander chuckles at the feeling of Aaron’s cold skin against him, but just wraps Aaron more tightly against himself.

Aaron wakes with a start, staring into the dark of the hotel room, broken only by the light of the power indicators on the television and coffee maker.

What kind of dream was that? He thinks that might have been even more embarrassing than a sex dream. A hug for christ’s sake. 

He turns over, trying to fall back asleep, and trying to forget how absolutely real it had seemed.

#

When Aaron finally gets home, it’s actually the middle of the afternoon and the house is resoundingly empty, Theo still at school. He unpacks his suitcase and then stands in the empty bedroom for a minute, wondering why it feels so strange. He pushes the sensation out of his mind and goes to make something complicated for dinner so that the house is warm and full of the smell of food cooking when Theo arrives home. She’s full of stories about the last few days, and he listens happily even though it feels a little like deja vu.

When he goes to bed that night, the bed feels cold and empty. He stares at the ceiling, torn between being horrified and amused at himself. He’s finally gotten used to sleeping in a bed without Theodosia and now he’s letting some idiotic dream unsettle him. He closes his eyes and tries to think of nothing until finally he drifts off into a series of indistinct dreams that he can’t quite remember in the morning.

He’s happy to get to work the next day, to settle back into routine. That lasts until Alexander swings by and smiles at him, bright and open. Aaron’s breath catches in his throat at the sight of Alexander, at the sight of that smile. Suddenly a fragment from one of his dreams comes flooding back, that mouth pressed against Aaron’s skin.

Aaron pushes the burst of longing to the back of his mind and manages to make normal conversation with Alexander. Aaron is genuinely glad to see him, and to thank him for his efforts at Theo’s recital, quite aside from these unexpected desires. 

After Alexander leaves, Aaron leans back in his chair and takes several deep breaths. It’s not that he somehow didn’t know that Alexander is attractive, being quite honest his awareness of that had certainly been an underlying factor in their college rivalry, but Aaron had long ago pushed that knowledge to the side, and once he met Theodosia it had been completely irrelevant. He tells himself that it’s still irrelevant. Alexander is his friend, it doesn’t matter if Aaron finds him attractive.

And so that’s how it is. Aaron pushes his newfound awareness of Alexander to the side, and only occasionally lets himself notice Alexander’s fine hands, the charming smile lines around his eyes, or the distracting glimpse afforded when Alexander unbuttons his shirt collar after work. It doesn’t matter, Alexander is a part of their lives and even if Aaron did want Alexander enough to risk his friendship with him, Aaron could never take that risk on Theo’s behalf.

He’s put to the test when he and Alexander land another big case that requires overtime. There’s no question of how they’ll handle it. Of course Alexander will come over. They’ll work the case in the evenings with Theo and her friends dropping in to break up the monotony. They’ll have lively dinners, and some nights Alexander won’t leave when they stop working, just hanging out with Aaron and Theo, if she’s around. And if Aaron finds all this time together both thrilling and trying? Well, that’s his problem. 

#

In June, Alexander gets quiet. Aaron can’t pinpoint when it started, distracted by Theo wrapping up her sophomore year of high school and insisting on truly harrowing driving lessons in her new free time. But whenever it started, eventually Aaron notices. Alexander has shifted into the unfailingly polite but withdrawn person that he was when Aaron got here, and Aaron is going to figure out why.

His first attempts to subtly ask lead nowhere, coming up against the smooth wall of Alexander’s politeness. After two days of this, with no improvement, and Alexander looking more tired every day, Aaron insists they go out to lunch. Insists they take an actual lunch break, and get off company property, something they almost never bother to do. Alexander isn’t initially thrilled with the suggestion, but Aaron can be persuasive. 

They go to a diner, a place that Theo loves, that has good food, but the sort of place where the plates subtly stick to the tabletop. It’s somewhere that Aaron doesn’t imagine they’ll run into colleagues. He ushers them into a booth in the back, and after their order is placed he asks bluntly, “Alexander, what’s wrong?”

Alexander pulls a nearly convincing surprised face, “What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong.”

Aaron frowns, “I thought we were friends.”

Alexander huffs a sigh and looks off into the distance, foiled slightly by the fact that the distance in this case consists of the bare white wall of the diner, “It’s nothing.”

Aaron leans back, “Okay, tell me about nothing then.”

Alexander moves his attention to the silverware on the table, seemingly intent on getting it perfectly straight and finally says, “It’s just...Phillip would be graduating from high school.”

Aaron is flooded with understanding and a growing ache in his chest, “Oh, Alexander.” He reaches out and covers Alexander’s hand where he’s straightening the silverware. Alexander stills, and then turns his hand for a brief, tight grasp before pulling away.

“It’s silly, he’s been gone, but I just can’t help thinking about what he’d look like, where he’d go to college. He’d have his whole life in front of him.”

“Of course. I should have realized.” 

Alexander shakes his head, “No.” He takes a deep breath, “Anyway, there’s your answer. Let’s talk about something else.”

Aaron studies him for a minute, but then nods and launches into a discussion of the case they’re working.

Later, when they are packing up to leave for the day, Aaron stops by Alexander’s office, “Come home with me tonight.”

Alexander looks up, startled.

Aaron continues, “Just hang out with me and Theo, have dinner with us. We’ll watch a movie or something.”

Alexander looks down, as if intent on putting paper clips back in his desk organizer, as if his desk isn’t still mostly arranged in drifts of files and office supplies, “Oh thank you, but I think I’d rather be alone.”

Aaron isn’t convinced, “Isn’t that what you’ve been doing? Just come over and if you want to leave, okay. No questions.”

Alexander looks up at Aaron, studying him as if the answer is somewhere on Aaron’s face. Aaron looks steadily back, and finally Alexander nods, “Okay.” 

Theo doesn’t say anything to Alexander, but when she and Aaron are putting the final touches on dinner, Alexander in the other room, she asks him if Alexander’s okay.

“Phillip would be graduating from high school right about now.”

She just nods thoughtfully, and later when Aaron asks her to pick a movie, she picks her number one comfort film, which is how Alexander gets introduced to the wonders of _Center Stage_. Theo makes sure to point out all the best/worst parts and for the moment Alexander seems lighter. After that she puts on Wall-E. By the time she gets up, halfway through Wall-E to head to bed, Alexander has fallen asleep and slid gently down from where he was sitting next to Aaron until he’s leaning into Aaron’s shoulder. He’s warm and heavy against Aaron’s side, and his slow sleeping breathing is soothing.

Theo raises an eyebrow at Aaron who tries to convey a shrug without actually shrugging and disturbing Alexander. After she’s left, Aaron considers what to do, aside from slouching down a bit so that Alexander can rest more comfortably.

When the movie ends and the credits have rolled, Alexander still hasn’t woken. Aaron gently pats him on the knee, “Hey, Alexander.”

Alexander makes a small unhappy noise turning further into Aaron, before freezing and pulling back, looking blurry and embarrassed, “Mm, sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. It seems like you needed it.”

Alexander blinks sleepily but says, “I’ll get going.”

Aaron shakes his head, “Just crash here, we have a guest room.”

Alexander shakes his head again, but he still looks half asleep. 

“Come on,” Aaron says, and half asleep Alexander turns out to be pretty biddable. Aaron gets him set up with borrowed sleep clothes, a new toothbrush, and the spare room in short order. By the time Aaron has gotten himself ready for bed, the light is already out under the guest room door.

In the morning Alexander leaves early to go home and change before work. He tries to offer apologies for imposing, but Aaron brushes them off, “Any time, you know that.” 

As soon as Alexander’s slipped out the door, Theo wanders in the kitchen as if she was waiting, “He stayed the night?” 

“I thought he was too tired to drive home.” 

She nods, and goes about making her breakfast, but when they’ve sat at the table with their respective meals in front of them, instead of reading her half of the paper as usual, she says, “You like him.”

He stares at her, confused, “Of course I like Alexander?”

She rolls her eyes, “No I mean, you like-like him.”

Aaron’s heart sinks, “It wasn’t-”

She interrupts, “I know. But you do.” 

He can’t quite formulate a response, although his embarrassed expression probably says it all. Of all the potential challenges of raising a teenager, he had not quite considered this one.

She nods as if he had answered, “I don’t mind.” She looks down at her cereal and then back up, “I mean, of course there’s a part of me that doesn’t like to think of you ever moving on from mom, but the biggest part of me wants you to be happy and I think he could make you happy.” 

Aaron’s throat feels tight, he really has the best kid, “Hey, I love you.”

Her eyes are watery, but she still manages to execute another perfect eye roll, “I love you too.”

“But,” he continues, “I’m not dating Alexander.”

“Why not?”

“Well, first of all, he would have to want to date me.”

She laughs brightly, and then stops, staring at him, “Oh my god.”

He’s been out of his depth this whole conversation, “What?”

She’s still studying him, “Okay, wow. I thought you were being like, polite, but wow.” 

He sighs.

She shakes her head, “Mr. Hamilton is like super into you. I knew mom asked you out, but now I see why.” 

He shakes his head, “No, that’s…” That can’t be true, surely he would have noticed. 

She turns back to her breakfast, “Super, super.” 

“Okay, we’re done here,” he says.

She shrugs, and they return to their usual breakfast routine, although Aaron has a difficult time concentrating on the newspaper, a part of his mind devoted to reviewing his whole relationship with Alexander on a loop. 

# 

Over the next month, Aaron is newly aware of his interactions with Alexander, building a case in support of Theo’s theory. It’s true that Alexander always seems happy to talk with Aaron, that he smiles fondly when they say hello and goodbye, that he seems extra bright when Aaron wears the tie Alexander gave him. Once when Aaron looks up from his work, he catches Alexander watching him, eyes on Aaron’s mouth before his gaze darts up to Aaron’s eyes. That seems like potential evidence. It’s also true that Alexander always allows Aaron’s casual touches, and, when presented with the opportunity, sits next to Aaron. But these things are hardly conclusive.  

Alexander never talks about dating. When Aaron brings it up once, he looks pained, and asks if Aaron is thinking about dating. That wasn’t where Aaron wanted to go with this and he awkwardly says he’s not sure. Alexander forces a smile, (it’s clearly forced now that Aaron is watching him closely) and says, “Well I’m sure you’ll find a nice woman if you want to.”

“Or a nice man,” Aaron says, gaze intent on Alexander.

“Right,” Alexander says slowly, “A nice person.” He’s staring at Aaron now, he looks puzzled, and the moment feels charged. When Alexander looks away there’s a slight flush on his cheeks, and for a minute Aaron feels certain that if he asked Alexander out, Alexander would say yes. This certainly fades as Alexander turns the topic back to work and seems perfectly professional the rest of the day. 

One point continues to puzzle Aaron, which is if Alexander wants to date Aaron, if he _has_ wanted to date Aaron, wouldn’t he have asked? Or at least given some hint? Alexander has been many things in his life, but shy is not one of them.

All in all it’s a subject that Aaron gives a lot of thought. He doesn’t talk to anyone else about it, with the exception of his therapist. He’s down to once a month meetings with her, and somehow nearly a whole session is devoted to the Alexander issue. She suggests that Alexander could be respecting Aaron’s boundaries, which maybe, but Aaron feels that a competing hypothesis is definitely that Alexander doesn’t actually want to date Aaron. But while Alexander’s feelings on the matter remain unclear to Aaron, what is clear after all this reflection are his own feelings. After Theodosia had died, Aaron couldn’t imagine ever dating again, but Alexander isn’t just smart, handsome, and outgoing, he’s someone who understands some part of what Aaron’s been through, what he’ll always carry with him. Alexander carries his own pains and Aaron can’t deny that he wants the chance to share that burden. 

#

On the fourth of July, somehow between Sally and Theo, Aaron gets roped into hosting a barbecue. It happens that from their backyard is a fairly decent view of the town’s fireworks display, only slightly hampered by a tree. The party is a mix of people, Sally’s family, Theo’s friends and their families, some people from work, and of course Alexander. 

Alexander, who seems as much a part of the family as any of the other in-laws. In fact, there is at least one woman in attendance, the mother of one of Theo’s friends, who Aaron has gotten to know while waiting for dance practices to end, who seems completely sure that Alexander and Aaron are together. Aaron probably should correct her, but he enjoys the little spark of happiness that he gets whenever she refers to “the two of you” too much.

He can see why she thinks it. Alexander knows all Aaron’s family, he knows the house like the back of his hand, he moves through the party making sure everyone has drinks, food, and conversation like it’s his home and his party. He and Aaron make a team in this, just like they do at work. Aaron can see how someone could think that they are together, _would_ think it.

After dinner, after dessert, when people are content and just waiting for the sky to completely darken and the fireworks to start, Aaron sprawls in a chair next to Sally. It’s been a whirlwind of cooking, minor party emergencies, and socializing so he enjoys the chance to take a moment to relax, especially now that the sun is down and it's not quite so hot. He and Sally sit peaceably on the edge of the party, watching the clumps of people, some talking seriously, others laughing. 

Aaron’s eyes are drawn to where Alexander is still managing things, supervising Theo and her friends with the sparklers someone brought. Aaron watches Alexander help the kids light them safely, make sure that each finished sparkler gets doused in a bucket of water, and that no one gets burned while trying to snapchat their sparkler tricks. Despite his role as the safety police, the interaction seems light and the kids are laughing at his jokes. 

“Still not dating him?” 

Aaron turns to see Sally watching him, with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. He glares at her, but answers, “No,” in a tone that was shooting for firm but comes off as regretful.

She laughs at him, which only intensifies his glare, but then looks at him seriously, “You know he’s never going to make the first move.” 

“What?”

She shakes her head at Aaron, “I know it’s not really your thing to be the one doing the asking, but if you want this, you’re going to have to. He will just pine forever.” 

“Pine?” Aaron is stuck on that, turning back to look at Alexander, who is laughing at the antics of one of the teens.

“Oh, Aaron.” She laughs again, “Yes, pine.”

Does she see something that he’s missed, something that makes her certain when Aaron’s still filled with doubt? Still watching Alexander, he asks, “If he’s _pining,_ why won’t he make the first move?”

“Because you just lost your wife? Because you have a child to think about? Because he messed up his last relationship spectacularly? Because he doesn’t think you’d want him to?” 

Aaron doesn’t respond, but just then, Alexander turns around and catches Aaron’s eye, as if he can sense Aaron watching him. Alexander smiles softly at Aaron, lit by the warm light of the sparklers, and for a second it’s as if Aaron can see what Sally sees. It’s a perfect moment out of time, framed in the gentle hubbub of the party and a sense of wonder overtakes Aaron. He can’t explain what, but something about Alexander’s gaze reveals a longing that matches Aaron’s own. The doubt that’s dogged Aaron for the last month fades, and he feels a resolve settle on him. He smiles back, fond, and the look lingers between them. Alexander’s smile fades, something puzzled and tentatively hopeful taking over, until a joyful shout from one of the teens draws his attention back to the sparklers.

For the remainder of the evening there’s a tension between them, an awareness that pulls them close. They manage to end up next to each other for the fireworks display, and Aaron spends nearly as much time watching the lights play across Alexander’s face as he does as the sky. Best of all, he catches Alexander watching him in turn more than once. 

The party slowly winds down, until finally everyone has gone. Even Theo is off at another party for a carefully negotiated amount of time, and only Alexander lingers, helping Aaron put away the food, and load the dishwasher. It’s warmer in the kitchen than it had been outside, the hot air from the day still trapped inside, although a soft breeze is starting to drift in through the open windows, pushing the heavy air around a bit. Once they’ve got the food away, Aaron turns off the lights, not wanting to add to the heat already in the room. Enough illumination is coming in from the backyard, where the lights are still on, that Aaron can just see Alexander’s expression as he watches Aaron. It’s all doubt and hope. It’s the same doubt that had followed Aaron until a few hours ago, and he wants to erase it. Aaron steps close to Alexander, slow through the warm, thick air, like moving through syrup. He takes Alexander’s hand. Alexander’s soft in-breath mixes with the sounds of the breeze rustling through the leaves of the trees outside.

“Is this okay?” Aaron asks, focused on Alexander’s features in the dim light.

Alexander’s hand tightens around Aaron’s, “Yes.”

And so Aaron leans forward, slowly pressing his lips to Alexander’s. They kiss carefully, gently getting to know each other for a minute, until Alexander opens his mouth and everything turns wet and intimate. They press together, Aaron pushing Alexander back until they run into the sink, and Alexander slides a hand up under Aaron’s shirt. It’s still too hot for all this closeness, but Aaron can’t bring himself to care. They stay like that for long moments, pressed together, sticky in the heat.

Finally though, Aaron pulls back to ask, “Let me take you out?”   

Alexander smiles, “Yes.”

“On a date?” 

“Yes.”

“Good.”

After a few more kisses, and then a few more after that for good measure, Alexander departs. When Theo arrives back, scrupulously on time, Aaron is innocently loading a second round of dishes into the dishwasher.

#   

However, the next morning over breakfast Aaron says, “I asked Alexander out yesterday.”

Theo looks up, seemingly excited, “Really? Finally?”

“Yes.”

“And he said yes.”

She says it like fact, not like a question, but he nods anyway.

“Awesome,” she smiles at him. 

He can’t see any upset on her face, but he asks anyway, “You’re really okay with this?” 

Her smiles softens, “Yeah, dad. I’m really fine with this.” 

“Okay, then,” he says. It’s been awhile, but apparently Aaron is going to be dating again.

# 

On their first official date, Aaron and Alexander go out to dinner. Somehow they are both awkward and formal with each other, as if it’s a blind date instead of two people who see each other nearly every day, but eventually they manage to shake off the nerves and have a good time. 

On their second date, they are more relaxed. Over another dinner they get to know each other a bit more, filling in the blanks and gaps in the time they’ve known one another. One new fact that Aaron learns is that apparently in college Alexander had had a huge crush on Aaron. Aaron has to admit he finds that flattering, but can’t quite imagine his college self having any kind of successful relationship with college-aged Alexander. Alexander in those days had burned too brightly, he was like a lightening strike, awe inspiring, beautiful, but nothing you would invite into your home. Alexander today shines still, but with the banked warming heat of a fireplace.

On their third date, they see an unpopular movie and take advantage of the empty theater to spend most of the film kissing in the back row like teenagers. It’s fun, but deeply frustrating.   

On their fourth date Alexander asks Aaron back to his place for coffee and Aaron agrees.

“I don’t think I actually have any coffee.”

Aaron huffs a laugh, “I understood your subtle code, I don’t actually expect any coffee.” 

Alexander smiles fondly, “Great.” 

When Aaron finally gets Alexander in bed he’s just as responsive as Aaron had imagined. Aaron uses his hand to bring Alexander off slowly, watching his face the whole time. It’s intimate, and somehow fascinating, to watch Alexander’s expressions shift as he gets more desperate. He’s much quieter than Aaron had imagined, but his face is a symphony. 

After Alexander tilts over the edge, he reaches up and pulls Aaron in for a kiss. He keeps kissing Aaron even as he works Aaron through his own orgasm, seeming intent on swallowing every noise that Aaron makes, as if he can taste them. 

Overall, it’s a pretty solid fourth date.

# 

After that, Aaron stops counting their dates. He still notes important milestones like Ruth finding out (she congratulates them and then makes them fill out paperwork with HR), the first instance of make-up sex, and the first exchange of I love yous.

Their lives slowly intertwine and this Christmas there’s no doubt that Alexander will join them. Sally takes a picture of them in their Christmas finery, Theo sitting in between them - a family portrait. It ends up on the mantel of what eventually becomes _their_ house, flanked by two other pictures. On one side a picture of Aaron, Theo, and Theodosia, all looking young and healthy, on the other side a photo of Alexander, Philip, and Eliza. The story the photos tell might be a complicated story, it might be a bittersweet story, but it’s theirs.


End file.
